Confessions
by naya-is-my-homegirl
Summary: Short and random diary entries giving a deeper look into the lives and inner workings of Brittany Pierce and Santana Lopez. (Nothing but fluff)
1. Chapter 1

_Brittany_

Do you ever think about how milk was invented? Like, who's the person who looked at a cows utter and decided to squeeze it, and then drank what came out of it? Whoever it was they are really smart and they had to have invented a bunch of other cool stuff too. I told Santana this today and it made her laugh. I love her Santana laugh. She has two very different laughs. I call one of them her Snix laugh. It's loud and short, like when Puck tells a dirty joke, or Mr. Shue gives us our weekly Glee assignment. Her Santana laughs are different. They don't start right away. At first she just gives you this little grin that makes you feel warm all over, like a blanket you wrap yourself up in on a freezing cold day. Then she starts to giggle like a little kid until it builds into this beautiful sound. And sometimes her face scrunches up and it makes my heart do the fluttery thing people talk about in movies. The best part about a Santana laugh though is that, unlike all the other laughs I usually hear, it doesn't make me feel stupid or judged. She makes me feel understood. She gets me, and what I say actually matters to her. The second it's over I think about how I would do anything to hear that laugh again. It's my favorite thing in the whole world.

P.S. Don't tell Tubs he isn't my favorite, he get's really jealous and I'm scared he'll attack San if he finds out.


	2. Chapter 2

241

Two more than yesterday.

Ugh, I feel like such a crazy stalker. I can't help it though. That smile just. I can't even begin to describe the feeling of getting to witness it.

The first one happened during glee when I told her a joke during one of Mr. Shue's long boring pep talks about the stupid meaningless assignment for this week. I can't even remember the joke, only her face.

The second one came when we were weighing Lord T this afternoon. The look on her face when she saw he had gained three pounds was torture, I had to do something to stop it. I told her the scale in her bathroom must be broken because he has totally slimmed down since the diet started. And she smiled that smile and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and said "thanks San". San. I hate that nickname, but coming from her it's fucking poetry.

I'm not talking about that cute little smirk she does either. No, she does that all the time to everyone. I'm talking about that smile. The one that doesn't happen as often as I want it to. The one that actually reaches her eyes, and I swear they turn even more pretty and blue and

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME!?

I feel like some white dude babbling on about some white chick in a Nicholas Sparks book.

Gross.

This is a normal thing though right?

I mean it's not weird to want to see your best friend smile because it's like the most beautiful thing ever and even though you would love to be the only one causing those smiles just knowing that they're happening at all would be enough to keep you satisfied in all aspects of your life and oh my god

Nicholas Sparks is in my head.

This is not normal.

I am so fucked.


	3. Chapter 3

I broke up with Artie.

He called me an idiot. I never thought he'd be like that. I thought he'd know what it's like to have something keep you from being like everyone else. I never thought he'd throw that thing back in my face. I wouldn't do it to him. But honestly it's not why I broke up with him. I mean I was acting like one. Like a complete one. I know what Santana and me were doing was cheating. I know it was wrong. And I know he would have forgiven me for it. But I don't want to be forgiven. I want to feel guilty. I deserve it.

Santana made me feel better. She sang me a song. No one else was around except for the piano guy. But he doesn't really count. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. I asked her to come on FF2 so I could ask her to prom. She said she would. I was so excited. I thought that this could finally be it for us. That the two years of pretending what we were doing wasn't anything real was over. That hurting Artie wasn't all for nothing.

But I just got a text saying "I can't"

At first I was mad. But I realize I don't have a reason to be.

I can't force her to be with me. I don't want to. I want her to want to be with me. And I know she does. She's just scared.

I wish she didn't care so much about what other people think.

I wish there weren't people who cared about two girls being together.

I wish she could see how awesome she is.

I wish I was smart enough to figure out how to make her see.

People think she's a bitch who doesn't have feelings but if they would take two seconds to look at her, like really look at her, they'd see it's just her way of hiding who she is.

If people think she doesn't care it's easier for her to pretend like she doesn't.

Sometimes I wish I was a boy.

I think my life would be a lot easier.

I could just play sports and no one would care that I'm dumb.

I'd probably get more solos in glee.

Maybe Santana would hold my hand outside of our rooms.

I wish I could dance with the person I love at prom.

I'm sorry this is all sad and jumbled. It's how my brain feels.

I don't like it.

I wish it would stop.

**AN: Hey guys! Not a new chapter, I just fixed the latest one. I have to upload from my phone cause I need a new laptop charger and just now realized it got all weird, sorry 'bout that. **

**PS this and the next Santana POV are the angstiest ones I promise.**


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